Deciding to have another baby…when we thought our family was complete.

So I have been decidedly abset on this site for awhile now, and I’m finally ready to admit why!

We are expecting a baby in Feb! And I am very very very sick.

I suffer from a pretty extreme version of Hyperemesis Gravidarum which is basically a code word for THROWS UP EVERYTHING. (Yes like the Duchess of Cambridge…except without all the money to be waited on hand and foot for my whole pregnancy…I guess it’s horrible either way though)

It pretty much stinks.  Yes, I have had this in 3 of my other 4 pregnancies and yes, I knew it was going to be bad for me.  But this is what I want to make sure you know.

This was a planned pregnancy.  It wasn’t an accident, or a surprise.  It was something we worked towards as a couple and are very excited about.  Now, anyone who knows me well has to have wondered if this was a surprise- and I don’t blame you!    I was DONE with pregnancy! D. O. N. E. And I wasn’t afraid to let everyone know it.  My husband and I occasionally revisited the idea, and each time we felt confident that our decision was the right one.  We even talked about adoption and having foster children once our kids got a bit bigger.  And then it happened.  They got a bit bigger, and I looked into adoption and how long and drawn out the process was.  We talked about foster care, and considered that, but it just didn’t feel right.  And then I kept getting the question.  “Well, your kids will all be in school this year…

“What are you going to do with your life”

Guys, I can’t tell you how much that question bothered me.  I wanted to scream at each person who asked me (and there have been MANY) “I’m ALREADY DOING IT!”  Being a home-maker and full time mom has been the greatest blessing of my  life.  Each of my children blesses my life in ways you can’t even begin to imagine, and I feel fulfilled.  I don’t feel like I need to see the world, or experience a professional career to be complete as a woman.  I feel complete already.  But they were right about one thing.  Starting in August my “baby” will be starting full time kindergarten.  I’ll be alone all day long.  So I asked a better question of myself.

“How am I going to spend my precious time”

And I had a lot of great ideas.  I LOVE to do LOTS of different things, so I sat down and made a list of all the things I’m good at and love to do, and decided to see if that pointed me in a particular direction.  And you know what?  It did.  It pointed right towards what I am already doing.  Motherhood.  I won’t pretend I don’t fall prey to the mommy guilt myself from time to time, but in general I feel pretty confident about my abilities to raise and nurture a family and home.  So myself and I had a little chat.  I wasn’t 35 at the time, and our youngest IS starting kindergarten.  It wouldn’t be like having an infant and a toddler at the same time.  So we started to imagine another baby around the house and tried to see if we could work that out in our minds.  And you know what? It fit.  We prayed about it and felt like it was a challenge we could accept.  And so here we are just a few months later!

I won’t lie.  There have been many days where I have doubted myself and this decision.  It’s rough for me ya’ll.  Like in the last month I’ve lost 15 lbs, been dehydrated into Ketosis,  malnourished and been hospitalized for 5 days.  Now I have a PICC line in my arm where I give myself IV fluids for 8 hours of the day.  Just to keep me alive.  Every single day is a battle.  My husband has to shoulder the load of working full time + extra jobs in an already stressful line of work, and now he has to pick up the burdens at home as well. I can’t cook and I’m having to rely on the kindness of friends to bring in meals and help with my children.  Its tough, on all of us.  And I knew it would be.  The hardest part is, I don’t feel PREGNANT.  I just feel sick.

So that’s where I’ve been, just in case anyone has wondered!


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