I’m so pleased to share with you a post by my amazing friend Kristen.  She is one of the kindest and most gentle souls I’ve ever met who always has a kind word .  Often in our society, we don’t talk openly about trouble conceiving, miscarriages and infant loss.  Kristen has weathered such an experience, and she has some wonderful advice and perspective to offer.  Here is part two of Kristen’s experience.

You can read part 1 HERE

Pregnancy, Loss and Love

Coming home from the hospital without a baby, was one of the saddest moments.  As beautiful and wonderful and joyful as bringing home a brand new baby is, coming home empty-handed and heavy-hearted is as sad and lonesome as you’d imagine.  However, some beautiful, even miraculous things happened as well.

From the moment we received the news–the devastating diagnosis about our baby–several things were very clear to me.  One, was that I realized I had a responsibility to the four children I already had.  I had the opportunity to teach them a valuable lesson about how we respond when bad things happen.  I knew I wanted to teach them that it was okay to ache and grieve and be sad, but that life could go on and we could even be happy.  They were a lifesaver when life began to fall into a routine again.  Sometimes it was hard to put a smile on my face for me, but I knew I could put a smile on my face for them.  They helped me remember why it was important to choose happiness and reminded me that I could do it.

The other thing I learned, was how to be gentle on myself.  I gave myself permission to take things slow.  I said “no” to things that felt like too much and didn’t feel guilty about it.  I eased back into taking care of the house and adding my responsibilities in little by little. Sometimes that meant things weren’t in perfect order.  Sometimes they weren’t even close.  But I decided to choose the important things and let some of the other things go.  It was so freeing to let go of the guilt I sometimes felt for not doing it all or for not doing more.  It felt so good to choose less and feel good about it.

I learned to appreciate the small things.  I learned to love fingerprints on my front door because it meant I had a 2 year old who was alive and able to make a mess.  I felt gratitude, not resentment, for the mundane messes of life, like ten loads of laundry or a sink piled with dishes.  These things meant we had life and we were living.  I found more joy in the ordinary parts of my life than ever before.

I knew I had a wonderful husband before all this.  He was a good man when I married him.  But as we grieved together, as he supported me and lifted me up, I knew he was a blessing that cannot be measured.  He listened when I needed it, he let me cry when I was sad, he let me know he thought I was strong and amazing and wonderful.  I cannot think of the deeply personal way he showed his love for me during this time without tears coming to my eyes.  The way our marriage was strengthened and deepened is something I will always treasure and give thanks for.

I also realized what an amazing group of friends I have.  They were such a wonderful support as they reached out to me.  The lifted me up, cheered me up, distracted me and loved me.  They listened if I needed to talk or just let me feel normal again for a few hours while we were together.  These were women who could relate.  Their friendship was sunshine to my soul.

{Image Credit Tree Photography}

The other thing I knew was that I did not want to be bitter.  I knew I could spend time feeling angry that this happened.  I could question, “Why me?”  I could let bitterness and anger seep into my heart and crowd out the sadness that swelled there now.  I could have.  But I didn’t.  I didn’t want to turn the beauty that is a baby, even a lost one, into something ugly.  Sometimes this was easy and other times it was a lot of work.  But I didn’t want to cheapen the wonderful blessings I’d received by spending my time feeling bitter.  I was sad–yes.  My heart ached.  This was not the plan I’d seen for myself.  But I fought hard against feelings of anger and bitterness, so that I could feel peace.

No, this wasn’t the plan I had seen for myself.  But as it turned out, it was the right plan all along.  I don’t have all the answers.  I still don’t know why this happened.  I still wish it could have been different, but I would not trade the lessons I learned as I came to see the hand of God in life for anything in the world.

Read Part 3

{Image Credit Tree Photography}